Tapir Tips

When: Saturday, November 13, 2010 7:45 AM-9:45 AM. Central Standard Time
Where: Veteran's Park (21st & Boulder)

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This is the time of the year that I receive frequent questions related to Tapiring – What is it? What’s the proper way to do it? How do you recognize it when you see it? Well, it’s not really that complicated, but still something that should be respected, as it can get you in trouble if you don’t take it seriously. You see, a Tapir is a large browsing mammal, similar in shape to a pig, with a short, prehensile snout – kinda’ like our very own Runners World Pretty Boy Brian. In fact, I can’t tell you how many times I might have imagined that I heard people ask “Where did Brian come from?” and/or “Kathy, where did you find him?” It seems that Tapirs inhabit jungle and forest regions of South America, Central America, and Southeast Asia, which explains why Brian and Kathy make frequent trips to Mexico, under the guise of it being a “vacation”, or as Brian likes to call it – “homeland”. My best tapir tips include:
· Don’t feed them – they have finicky diets that require high caloric liquefied fermented grains, topped with multiple jars of peanut butter.
· They’re hairier than you first think, so be careful when touching and petting.
· Training is very tricky, as they can’t be domesticated. As such, don’t mistake mimicked behavior with learned obedience.
· Watch out for frequent mood swings, and sudden charges where they attempt to get you to try on new shoes.
· Tapirs have a strong sense of territorialism, and are apt to start setting up camp and pitching tents just anywhere that they choose.
· They’re ultrasensitive to the scheduling of competing events, particularly when this coincides with the start of a new year, so your best bet is to show your allegiance to the original version versus a knock-off imitator.
Speaking of training, this Saturday marks the end of our 2010 Summer/Fall Marathon Training session, culminating (Brian, that means “ending”) with the Sunday, November 21st Dom-N-8RZ’ing of the Tulsa Route 66 Marathon. So, with only one week to go, we’ve arranged for a little ol’ 8 mile leg stretcher along the banks of the Arkansas River, just to make sure all the runnin’ parts are workin’ like they’re supposed to and to help reconstruct the confidence and/or anxiety levels that facing the uphill stare of 26.2 miles can elicit. In recognition of the shorter distance, along with lingering confusion regarding the application of daylight savings time, we’ve precision adjusted the official gathering time for Saturday’s “Taper Run” to 7:45 AM, once again at the trampled comforts of Veteran’s Park.
In heartfelt response to the multiple imagined requests, and in disregard to the wishes of co-run leaders, a unilateral decision that is intended to meet the varied needs of a certain demented constituency has been finalized. The time honored tradition of showing appreciation to group Run Leaders by donating large sums of moolah to charities of their choosing is being appended to allow for direct cash payment and adornment of sparkly gems to the outstretched beggarly arms of yours truly. Turns out that this will increase efficiency by eliminating the middle man/manette.
Finally, a word of caution to all: Be careful out there. This is a lousy time to inject new forms of high risk, low reward, cross training into your regimen. It’s best to stick with what got you here – running, coupled with strict obedience with and compliance to our exacting, plainly worded, easy to follow, incomprehensible to a T weekly instructional training run invitations. If you must ride a bike, try not to tip over. Bouncing is not a life extending skill attribute.
If you do fall down and go boom, then follow this tip: Get out the gauze and “Tapir It Down”.
Larry

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