Friday, August 6, 2010


When: Saturday, August 07, 2010 5:45 AM-8:30 AM. Central Standard Time
Where: Veteran's Park (21st & Boulder)

Shark Up!

River Parks Authority Self Appointed Management and Liability Adverse Spokesman Disclaimer: Caution - Contents May React in manners that result in severe and acute localized thinning of exposed limbs and limbettes, both of the attached and recently viciously detached sort, resulting in possible rapid seekage of medical consultation, treatment, and utilization of vast quantities of duct tape (it'll fix anything - be the first in your neighborhood to sport a new duct tape based artificial leg).
- Note to nobody in particular: Disclaimers like the preceding leave one wondering why clear and simple disclaimers are not utilized everywhere instead of the more typical vague, confusing, and legal mumbo jumbo typical fare such as "Caution - Contents Are Very Hot" or "Dog Bites - Hard" that we are so often confronted with.

Which brings us front and center to this week's Training Run. That's right - the Dom-N-8RZ 9:51 Runners World Training Group, with membership recently bolstered to 50 runners strong (or is that 50 strong runners?), have been provided the rare and unique opportunity to complete a 14 mile river front shoreline surveillance mission. What could be more fitting during Shark Week than for us to "toe up" and trottingly perform our civic duty by helping to keep the Arkansas River sand grazing rafters, canoe enthusiasts, errant frisby recoverers, misguided mountain bikest extremists, Rowing Crewes, and the occasional river bathing naturalist free from Shark attacks? Keep those spirits up - we can do this, especially if we stick together, and if we always treat the newest members of our group to the "special lane" that is closest to the water's edge (they're new, we don't know them very well, and there's a minimal chance that intentional and premeditated abuse claims could be lodged if they "willingly volunteer" {Note: We may need to practice our collective response on this point so that it comes offnatural - limit shifty eye movement when speaking into the camera}). A heartfelt shriek of "Shark Up!" should provide the appropriate warning to all concerned, and should also qualify us for those rare and internationally coveted Shark Ranger Patrol Red Badges of Courage.
Guidance tip for the novice sharkateer: Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed by making false Shark Up calls - we've all been there and there's a chance that even the seasoned Shark Ranger will still occasionally repeat the mistake, especially early in the season. You see, whenever "Pretty Boy" Brian hits the trails and exposes his voluminous and pasty underbelly, it causes a temporary white out blindness to the unsuspecting, and often inaccurately triggers that inbred shark sensor gland (known as "ISSG" in the trade). You must have patience, even though it is difficult to rationalize the transformation, but that jiggling mass will eventually brown out with repeated exposures, making the trails once again safe for young and bold alike. Be brave, ye sole cushioned volunteer Rangers, stiffen that upper cartilage, and trust your inner sonar to achieve the dorsal mission.

Covering the obligatory education portion of this week's submission, we will cover the finer technical points of how to successfully venture out and complete a 14 mile training run. Making matters more complicated, in addition to the nearby waterborne threats, we will likely be confronted with elevated temperatures and rapidly increasing bursts of radical solar emissions. The natural confliction created by the cooler running conditions at the water's edge greatly exposes the dazed runner or runnerette to the tasty remake of Jaws - Take 12. So, here's the time honored tip on how to successfully navigate the nearly impossible quadruple threat of distance, heat, rays, and jaws: We will cover the first half of the training run by going out roughly half the distance (14 miles divided into nearly equivalent portions, carry the one, round liberally, and verify your work by giving your dog it's favorite treat), which would be approximately 7.63 miles or so, and then reversing to retrace each step (Note: This process only works if you step in exactly the same steps on the way back as on the way out, so pay close attention to detail, and it might help take the mind away from this drivel.).

Just to be mud water clear, remember that we meet sharp at 5:45 AM-ish or thereabouts on Saturday morning at Veteran's Park. Our united mission is to bring all our Shark united Noe's and Nette's safely home from this inarguably dangerous mission, whilst keeping Tulsa's Ark River beaches patrolled and its voluminous water enthusiasts free of vicious attacks. With that, we can vow to live another day with which to enjoy the sights, sounds, and aromas of the aqueous fill, from bank to eroding bank.

Lastly, in response to anticipated questions regarding kevlar reinforced metal clad shark teeth dispersing diving gear - Wear 'em if you got 'em.


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